“I’m Fine” – Some Thoughts on an OLD Saying

How often, when asked “how are you?” do we reply with “I’m fine”? How’s things? “fine”. How’s work? “fine”. How are the kids? “fine”. This term is used far too often (by myself too) and is usually a way to quickly move past a topic without going into detail about how you’re really feeling.

When you say ‘I’m fine’ , quite often it can mean you are feeling one, or more, of these feelings:

Acronym for FINE in mental health terms:

F – Freaked out

I – Insecure

N – Neurotic

E – Emotional

Storing or suppressing these feelings and emotions can lead to increased anxiety, increased stress, and even diminish our sense of contentment in life. In other words… NOT fine!

It’s ok to sit in a negative or uncomfortable emotion so that you can work through it and understand it.  In fact, new research has shown that experiencing and accepting negative emotions are vital to our mental health(1). 

Acknowledging the many emotions we go through in life is merely an act of emotional intelligence; recognising how we feel, and allowing ourselves to express that, is important for our overall health, particularly our mental health(2)(3).

Instead of backing away from negative emotions, accept them. Acknowledge how you are feeling without rushing to change your emotional state. Many people find it helpful to breathe slowly and deeply while learning to tolerate strong feelings or to imagine the feelings as floating clouds, as a reminder that they will pass. It’s just a thought and a feeling just a feeling, nothing more.

In the article Why We Say “I’m Fine” When We Aren’t, Author Sharon Martin(4) puts forward the idea that we pretend to be fine to avoid conflicts. Many of us believe that sharing our true feelings or opinions might cause someone to get angry with us and that’s scary, or at least uncomfortable. She says that we also use “I’m fine” to shield ourselves from painful feelings. Most of us who overuse “I’m fine” grew up in families where we weren’t allowed to be angry or sad. Some of us were told to stop crying, or were punished when we expressed our feelings, or our feelings were ignored. As a result of this treatment, we learned to suppress our feelings and/or numb them with food, alcohol, or other compulsive behaviors. Perhaps we grew up with parents who couldn’t regulate their own emotions, eg. if you had a parent who raged, you may be afraid of anger and want to avoid being angry or angering others.

Some of us may have learned in childhood that we shouldn’t need anything. Again, we may have been punished when we asked for something, or our needs may have been ignored. When this happens repeatedly, we learn that we shouldn’t ask for anything because no one cares about our needs and they wont be met. If this resonates with you, then you may find some form of counselling helpful in overcoming the “I’m fine” compulsion, and useful in learning strategies to “sit with” and learn to regulate your emotions.

Walk and Talk Therapy with me can also help you work through your emotions for a happier you…

https://into-you.com.au/product/walk-and-talk-therapy/

Or for FREE emotional intelligence tips, tricks, and learning opportunities, connect to my Instagram here.

x Charlie

Charlie is a counsellor, personal trainer, and stylist who combines mind and movement techniques to help you feel your most satisfied, authentic self. Book a free Mind+Body training session here, or see what else she offers here.

REFERENCES

(1) Ford BQ, Lam P, John OP, Mauss IB. The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2018 Dec;115(6):1075-1092. doi: 10.1037/pspp0000157. Epub 2017 Jul 13. PMID: 28703602; PMCID: PMC5767148.

(2) Geall, Lauren (2020) Psychological Resilience: How to Boost Your Mental Strength in 2021 stylist.co.uk, retrieved 19th August 2024 from https://www.stylist.co.uk/health/mental-health/psychological-resilience-mental-strength-tips/464013

(3) Woods, Tyler (2023) Why It’s Important to Accept Negative Emotions psychologytoday.com, retrieved 19th August 2024 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/evidence-based-living/202305/why-its-important-to-accept-negative-emotions

(Martin, Sharon (2020) Why We Say I’m Fine – When We Aren’t psychcentral.com, retrieved 19th August 2024 from https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2020/07/why-we-say-im-fine-when-we-arent